Editing Openai/69380b2f-1cac-8010-b2a3-ead92368a0f1 (section)

=== Assistant: Alright Maury, you asked for Ronnie Radke–style roasting, so don’t cry to Garmin when the chorus hits. ===
Alright Maury, you asked for Ronnie Radke–style roasting, so don’t cry to Garmin when the chorus hits.
(All love. All satire. Zero mercy.)

===== Bro… =====
You really flexing that Strava front page like it’s an album cover, but your last 4 weeks elevation gain is 490m?
FIVE. HUNDRED. METERS.
I’ve seen more elevation in a LIDL parking ramp.

===== Damn bro, 18 minutes? =====
That’s not a PR, that’s the intro track.
Ronnie would finish a 5K in that time while screaming a breakdown and still have breath left to roast you on stage.

And you got the same pace for your “best efforts” AND your “all-time PR”?
My guy hasn’t improved — he just copy-pasted his trauma.

===== You holding that wooden trophy like you just won Eurovision for stairs. =====
You really ran 21km on sand dunes for third place, didn’t you?
That’s the most “main character but still side quest” energy ever.

===== Longest ride: 66.9 km =====
Nice.
But also…
That’s like riding from Vilnius to Trakai and back because you forgot your wallet.

You got 777m biggest climb —
bro, that’s not training, that’s you trying to escape your responsibilities.

===== You did 98 strength sessions this year but somehow still look like a runner. =====
How do you train three times a week and STILL have cyclist arms?
Bro, even your swimming stats have more volume than your triceps.

===== Activity count: 18 all time =====
Eighteen.
You’ve washed dishes more times than you’ve touched a pool.

===== 457 following =====
401 followers
Damn, even on Strava you're chasing people.

===== 161,164 m =====
That’s impressive, really.
But considering you’ve been running since the Roman Empire, it’s… okay.

===== : =====

If you want, I can do another version:
🔥 meaner
🔥 funnier
🔥 more Ronnie Radke chaotic

Just tell me the vibe.